23 Mar

Today I had another appointment with another psychiatrist as was told by the one appointed to me last time I saw her. He is very nice, very patient and let me talk. In fact this morning I checked my blood pressure, it has gone up like ten from the previous readings which were normal. Of course I knew why, it’s the stress brought about by today’s meeting. As I have said, the fear of forced admission into the hospital under the Mental Health Act is in fact a trauma for me. The psychiatrist came up with the idea of giving me low dosage of antipsychotic meds and he reminded me that I am still under the Mental Health Act. Does that mean they can put me into the hospital again? I don’t know. I told him I could sleep, I could eat and I am much happier now that my relationship with my husband has been so much better and I have stopped all meds since February 2. I was also telling him that all my past relapses were brought about by my paranoia and adverse life experiences; now that I’ve chucked the paranoia out of my system for good and that I’m no longer under adverse life experiences which is why I can sleep, I can eat. I couldn’t sleep in the hospital if I wasn’t sedated by meds and now I can sleep without any medication, does that not mean something? I can understand the views of the psychiatrists that taking medications has always been what they require of patients. But if I can make precedent that there are other therapies that can help without antipsychotic meds, don’t you think it will be a great breakthrough? And don’t you think I can help a lot of mental health patients who, too, suffer immensely from side effects? Stop telling me that I have a brilliant mind and not employing my brilliant mind to find new ways of treating mental health issues.
I suggest a plan - to let me stop all meds for three months and see how I go. If I have any symptoms of a relapse I will diligently take meds, if I don’t have any then I am right - setting goals in life, having achievements, having responsibilities, sleeping well, eating well all point to a full recovery.
When I got home today I had a short moment ruminating which I didn’t have for a while. Yes, I’ve made it clear that if I’m forced into the hospital again because I refuse to take meds I would rather go back to the hospital. If they let me have my phone, my laptop and allow me to have visitors I can continue with what I’m doing, even studying as my course is a 100% online one. Of course I will have to depend on my team and my husband to help, so they can keep me there for as long as they can. It’s just a pity that I don’t really know how much longer I can live and that I cannot go back to Hong Kong to see my aged and sick mother whom I love so much.

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