11 Aug

I seem to have lost motivation. That is not wholly true, I do write poems but only when it is necessary. I do compose music because it can help to take me out of misery. But something’s missing - fervour! I used to read a lot, do a lot of studying, and when I’ve started composing I won’t stop until I’ve got the song on a score sheet. But these days I tend to put things aside and don’t feel like doing them unless I have to. I blame it on because I had been sick with flu, I suffered from gout, I had a terrible dry mouth and ended up having an infection in the mouth, I was still coughing nine weeks since my flu, my taste buds are feeling funny and I don’t enjoy food as much as before (I love eating). It is during these times that I started ruminating. Since I know my problem and I also know that I have to help myself to stop all the negative thinking, I use every possible way to keep a good mood and be positive again. I do succeed. But somehow I slipped into such an unhappy mood quite often. Today I’ve figured it out. I am always the only one to fight to keep well. I feel that my closest doesn’t know me enough to be able to support me spiritually. When I want to share my feelings, my achievements, my ideas, my work, almost most of the time I get negative feedback. What I hate most is that I was told, ‘You’ll soon get yourself into the hospital again, just wait and see!’ That’s the worst thing to say to someone who has mental health issues, especially when I’ve been doing so much to keep well. Someone who doesn’t have to depend on sleeping pills to sleep for three, four years now. Of course, I should be used to this kind of situation after all these years fighting on my own, but I don’t know why this time I feel so alone in this war of recovery. Everything has come around so nicely for me and yet I'm feeling sad. Why should I feel this way now, at this time when I should be very happy and proud of myself? I blame it on my being sick and having all the physical discomforts.

This brings to the following important thing I must say. I have always believed in education. And educating those who suffer from mental health issues so they know what’s going on in their bodies, why they are like that, what makes them feel as they do - understanding their illness, this is so important! But what is just as important or maybe more is that their family members, especially their closest, need to be educated as well. So they know and understand what their loved one is going through, why they are ill, what they can do to help. Support from family is very important, especially spiritually. When they see that their loved one is sad or not wanting to do anything, or signs that something’s not quite right, find out what causes it. Remind him/her what can help him/her when he/she is in a bad/sad mood; because sometimes I, too, forget to practice self-help techniques which have been so helpful. Listen to him/her and not be judgmental.

It is luck when one gets a good psychiatrist who can be depended on, because there are psychiatrists who are not doing their job properly, so if the patient’s family member learns about their loved one’s illness they are in a better chance of making a better decision for him/her and not just listen to the psychiatrist blindly. Let the patient explain his/her actions, because through what he/she says one can understand better his/her problems. When he/she is talking sense, believe in him/her. No one can affect the sick more than the one who is closest.

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