Mental Wellbeing

I am inspired by ‘nuggets of gold’ to share my story of suicide attempt. With this sharing I hope it will help those who harbour such thoughts.

I had been promoted at work and I loved my job. The future of my career seemed promising. I worked so hard, stayed behind always, even worked on holidays and brought work home. What I didn’t realise is that the stress was creeping into my body and mind. I relapsed again. I never told my boss or colleagues that I was seeing a psychiatrist for fear of losing my job. This time I could no longer hide because of my long absence from work. When I came right I went back to work with the idea that I was still a treasured employee. The first day back at work I was turned into a ‘furniture’. I was not to resume my old responsibilities but was put there because it was difficult to fire me. I was angry.The next morning I went back to the office and resigned. And I stayed home until that day:

In the morning I felt depressed, so I went to see my psychiatrist. Nothing much was done to help me to alleviate my mood apart from, I was told later, telling my parents to take precaution. The side effects of my medication came to me again, some side effects that frightened me for years and I was so afraid that it would stay till the day I die. 

‘If I have to suffer this side effect, I would be better off dead,’ I said to my husband. He hugged me but not realising the significance of what that could be.

I remembered that there was a tin of caustic powder which we used to unblock our toilet in the bathroom. Having that in mind, I called a relative hoping to talk to her but could not get hold of her. I went into the bathroom, locked the door, took out the tin of caustic, put some into a cup used for rinsing the mouth, diluted it in tap water and drank it. My throat was burning and it was unbearable, I had to rush out of the bathroom. My husband saw what happened, he quickly took me back to the bathroom, ran water from the tap of the bathtub into my mouth. I remembered he was crying.

My aunt was living just one floor below. My cousin who was a health inspector came up and upon checking that we had three bottles of milk urged my husband to make me drink the milk. The ambulance came, paramedics with a stretched bed took me to the hospital. Outside the hospital waiting were my parents. I could see the concern on their faces. Once inside the hospital the vicious cycle returned - my fear of the communists. I was put in bed in the emergency ward. There were nurses dressed in red uniforms and I associated red with communism. I screamed. I kicked. They had to tie me to my bed. When a nurse dressed in red came close I used abusive language to stop her from coming near. I was fiercely thirsty and demanded water but was left unattended to. Like this the whole night went by. In the morning my parents came, they arranged my discharge and took me instead to a private hospital. 

When my throat no longer hurt I returned home only to discover that my esophagus was narrowed and I could not swallow food. I was sent to a surgeon who suggested widening my esophagus. The operation, however, was not successful and instead the organ was broken. The surgeon referred me to another surgeon to have a major operation. My esophagus was removed, instead part of my stomach was severed and was swung up to connect with my throat and the stomach had to be moved further up, food would go through my throat and into my stomach. My act of the suicide attempt had also brought me not just a lot of physical pain but also a lot of after effects. Up till today I still constantly choke on food which was embarrassing and also brought me great discomforts. Since this episode I promised myself that no matter how hard life may be I will make sure I will not have any suicide attempt. There had been long periods of depression but I struggled on. Life is precious and I am glad I was saved.

To suffer from Bipolar Disorder was actually a blessing in disguise for me. It was because of a relapse some twenty odd years ago that I have rediscovered and further discovered my passions and in developing these passions I attain achievements which is very important to me because I have gained back my confidence, my self-worthiness and motivation. I no longer suffer from depression.

I have gone through lots of pain and I can feel the pain of those who are in the same boat which is why I always reach out to friends or whoever who are going through mental health issues. If my story can help in prevention of suicide, I will be thrilled.

Where to find help and support:

Shine - 0508 744 633

Women's Refuge - 0800 733 843

Need to Talk? - Call or text 1737

What's Up - 0800 942 8787

Lifeline - 0800 543 354 or (09) 5222 999 within Auckland

Youthline - 0800 376 633, text 234,

Samaritans - 0800 726 666

Depression Helpline - 0800 111 757

Suicide Crisis Helpline - 0508 828 865