24 Mar

It has been confirmed by my key worker that my psychiatrist intended to put me back into the hospital to enforce medication. I have asked all the psychiatrists I saw since my last stay at the hospital to give me one ground/symptom that proves that I have a relapse, but I have not got one yet. My psychiatrist is morally corrupt, she’s vindictive and a liar. I remember there was this time after begging her to reduce my medications in a safe environment and was refused, I made a complaint to the Health and Disability board, then she saw me again (before she just passed me to another psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse) and she was very angry. Then she said she would give me a present - discharged me. She did not care whether I took any meds. If a doctor really cared for her patient would she have done that? Since then my husband bombarded me every day that it was my fault that I didn’t have a psychiatrist to look after me. I took up her challenge and stopped all meds that very night. It took me more than 8 weeks to get rid of the toxic and back to functioning well. I had stopped meds for 8 months. But during that period I was depressed because I went against the will of my loved ones who only believed in meds. There was animosity between me and all of them. I was all alone fighting for good health. I could not sleep, and I could not eat. I depended on Zopiclone to sleep. I lost weight. Then at the end of the eight months, I was in such bad shape physically I called the ambulance to take me to the hospital and stayed there for 50 days until I had to succumb to retake the meds before I was discharged. This time I thought maybe it was because I stopped the meds abruptly which was why I had another relapse. No! It wasn’t. It was adverse life experiences that brought me back to the hospital and the same this time. But this time is totally different, I have freed myself of all grievances and I am happy, I feel peace in me. I can sleep and there’s no problem eating. Of course, my psychiatrist had to think of something else. At the last meeting she was adamant about me retaking meds and not even at a lower dosage or instead of an injection of Olanzapine (I said I might consider dispersible Olanzapine) take dispersible Olanzapine. Well, I have made myself clear to them that I will not retake meds, they will just have to put me in the hospital.
Here I don’t really understand some of the rights of patients. I have read somewhere that we have the right to change psychiatrists but it is obvious that I can’t. I’m stuck with her. Then it is the patient’s right to stop meds one month after I’ve been taking them. They need my consent to give me injections of Olanzapine and I can withdraw the consent at any time (this was told to me by the psychiatrist I saw on my discharge). Now, instead, I was told I can’t exercise my rights. I’m very confused here, if there is someone who can confirm that please let me know.
About them not answering my question about my relapse, last time they tried something new, she told me that I have lost a lot of weight. For Christ's sake, I did lose over 10 kegs before I was in the hospital but I gained back 8 kgs in 13 days. I was a bit worried about the rate of increase so I asked to be weighed at the hospital, several times and I was glad to find that it was levelling, I only increased at a much slower rate. Then I thought I’d better check my weight and have discovered that it has been stable, I weigh between 50 to 53 kgs, depending on before breakfast or after, before I went to the toilet or after. So I am not alarmed. The pathetic thing is when I first saw my new GP it was the time when I lost over 10 kgs. Then the recent visit she said I’ve lost a lot of weight, omg she is seeing me after I’ve put back on weight, so you can tell why she said something so pathetic.
My husband has made it clear that he’s not interested to learn about mental health despite my suggestion that he should if he wants to understand my situation. Today when asked for his opinion he said I have racing thoughts. Then the key worker said yes I must be having racing thoughts and then I have to tell her I don’t. I was very angry and told my husband that he shouldn’t say something he doesn’t know. How much does he know about mental health when he refuses to learn about it. Now he has found something the psychiatrist love - I have racing thoughts! In the next meeting with the psychiatrist, I will ask to have it recorded so she cannot, as the Chinese said 隻手遮天, do whatever she likes! What’s inhumane about the Mental Health Act is that the psychiatrist is the authority, she can hide things from the patient, she can lie, she can do anything.
I am now 71 and I can die anytime which is possible. If I die in the hospital without solving my problems, at least I know I have lived a worthwhile life, fighting for justice, and helping people when I can!

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