04 Apr

I stopped Epilem since February 5, why? Here’s why:
     This is copied from my journal dated 2/2/2023,      ‘I woke up in the morning and found that my mouth is swollenagain!
This is copied from my journal dated 3/2/2023‘Today has been the most difficult day. I had diarrhoea (I was taking cochichine for my gout, Olanzapine heightened uric acid) since morning. My mouth was like burning inside, the tongue was in pain. Tummy ache and headache, felt like having a fever. Didn’t feel like eating, lied down and rested. Finally decided to take a panadol. Helped a little bit…Have to do something. I further reduced the Epilem to 5 ml. See how it goes.’
‘The reduction of Epilem does me good. My mouth is not burning inside and the tongue is not in pain. Although I still taste metallic I can bear that for a while.’
‘I stopped Epilem since yesterday. The mouth thrush was so uncomfortable it’s just got to go. Since I’m not seeing my psychiatrist yet I couldn’t wait. I was going to take 5ml at night for sleep but thought otherwise just to see if I could sleep without it. I did sleep well last night.’
I refused to have my injection of Olanzapine when it was due 2/3/2013. As of today the side effects I’m still having includes dizziness, tendency to fall, blurred vision, loss of memory, gout, taste metallic. I was hoping that once the toxicity of the meds has left my body, I would feel normal again, as was proved by my stopping all meds in 2017, although it took more than 8 weeks. I am confident that this time there will not be a ‘relapse’ because the difference is I was not happy, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep but this time I’ve been sleeping well and I am eating (I love eating).
So why I’ve decided to take treatment again now? I was thinking if they put me in the hospital, most probably I can’t sleep, most probably I can’t have my devices, and I’ll be having the injection and I’ll be having the side effects all the same whether I’m in the hospital or out. But if I stay out, I can continue my plans, I will have more freedom, and I can use my body to compare with treatment and without treatment. 
While I was in Hong Kong in 2018 I went to see a psychiatrist and after his consultation he told me that there’s nothing wrong with me. I was very happy and I told my husband who said he’s a lousy psychiatrist. Anyway, he gave me a book he wrote on mental illness, a collection of his experiences while working in the mental hospital in Hong Kong. I find it really useful and now I intend to translate some of the episodes into English and post them on social media with the hope that it sheds light on mental illness for those who are interested.

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